Happy Due Date Day

Happy Due Date Day my little one in Heaven.  I know your brothers and sister arrived several weeks early, and likely you would have too, but I choose to celebrate you today.  I celebrate your sweet tiny life that only lasted a few short weeks.  The life that I prayed for for five years before you came to us.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and I miss you more than I can say.  You would be five years old now. Starting Kindergarten.  Learning to read.  Becoming your own little man.  We should be celebrating today with our family tradition of chocolate chip pancakes for dinner.   I should be making a huge whipped cream "5" on your plate-sized pancake!  I miss you at our school time and at our dinner table.  I miss you when we take family vacations. I miss you when I look at all of the books I have and wish I could snuggle with you on my lap for "just one more". I sit in church and look around and wonder who your friends would be.  Would you be falling asleep on my lap or would you be able to sit still and pay attention? Would you be able to comprehend the amazing depth of God's love for you?  Would you be best buddies with your cousin who was born right before you would have been?  Would you be playing with cars or trains or taking your brother's beloved Legos?  Would you be climbing all over your biggest brother like other little ones do?  Would you look up at your sister and plead with her to make cookies or read a story? So many questions without answers.  While I do fully believe in God's sovereignty over the womb, I still long for you. While I know that God works all things together for my good and His glory, I still miss you.  My grief arrives fresh when I pray for sweet friends who lose much-loved babies in the womb.  My anger returns when I hear of a mother murdering her little blessing at an abortion mill, or a father projecting his new-parent frustration on the helpless newborn he was designed by God to protect.  But in spite of my questions, my anger, and my grief, God is still God and I am not.  I don't know why He chooses to give babies to clueless teenage girls instead of sweet, godly barren women.  I don't know why He gives babies to heartless, angry men who will just abuse them.   And I don't know why He gives babies to women who rejoice over the blessing, and then silently removes them.  But through my tears I read that "...we walk by faith, not by sight."  So, that is what I keep on doing.  Walking walking walking through this life.  Trudging daily in this walk on Earth.  Sloshing through the muck that my sin creates. Knowing that thought I am counting it all joy, this is not the best life God has for me.  That will come in Eternity.  "

"Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!"~Psalm 118:1

Until that day that I am able to see your sweet face and embrace you and smother you with years' worth of kisses, Mommy loves you deeply.  Forever.